Unless you’ve had your head in a box of Rice Krispies for the past month (or you’re French), you must, nay should know that The England Cricket Team are currently beating the Aussies 2-1 in the Ashes Series. Under no circumstances must this stop.
Why the hell should I care?
That old chestnut, “We invented the bloody sport!” and we haven’t beaten our Antipodean adversaries since Mike Gatting earned the urn in 1986.
So what happens now?
On Thursday 8th September 2005, the roadshow moves on to the 5th and final test match at The Oval in Sarf Landaan.
The England team need only to draw (or even win!) on Thursday to snatch The Greatest Prize In Cricket™.
Much to the consternation and confusion of the “Americans” (let’s face it, anything that confuses the Yanks is worth at least 10 points) it’s possible to play this great game for five whole days and finish with a draw.
OK, and your point is…?
Now, we’d love nothing more than to see Vaughny, Freddie and Harmy hammer Ricky & Co inside three days and take the trophy in style, but let’s face it, as an Englishman, there are only so many things that you can take for granted; National team sporting victories, nice English weather and a gracious reception from ‘The Barmy Army’ are not among them. Whilst it would be great to win in style, winning by default is an acceptable and a traditionally English cop-out. This will do us just fine! After comprehensively outplaying the Aussies in just about every session of the last 3 tests, it would be a travesty if England were to piss it all away at this stage. We’ve got one of the greatest cricketing sides in the world ever on the ropes and we need to finish them off. Be it by right-hook or knee to the groin, we need to stop being so English and develop a ruthless streak. We want to win. We have to win. We will win.
It boils down to this: If it rains, we get a draw. We win The Ashes!
So what do we want?
We’re not so negative as to suggest that we want rain for the full five days. Oh no. What we want is a spot of rain on Thursday (we’re all at work anyway, so it really doesn’t matter) and the heavens to open any time the Aussies look to be getting the upper hand.
How do we get it all?
Simple! Rain Dance For The Ashes! Using the force of our collective willpower, I firmly believe that we can influence the weather conditions by harnessing the energy of thousands of Englishmen prancing like girls, and focussing it on the clouds over Kennington.
Click here for instructions on how to perform the magical Rain Dance.